Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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