he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Let's get the cat blown out
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
