Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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