There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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