ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
