He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my phone needs a breathalizer
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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