Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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