just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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