Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
