Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
