You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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