i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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