You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
