Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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