I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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