And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
