he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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