if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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