you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
