I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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