Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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