those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's blow job season.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
