Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
