What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
