You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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