You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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