all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
