I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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