You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My breasts were aching with rage.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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