we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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