I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
