WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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