Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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