Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
