I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
