I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
