when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
