yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
