the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
