well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
