i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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