I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
