I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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