I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
