Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
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