i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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