I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
