I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
