Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I could fuck to npr.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
