I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
