im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
