Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
