Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
