I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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