what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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