then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
This is my gift to your gina
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
