I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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