stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
