I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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