eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
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