John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
