you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
