Do you still have your period?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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