Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
