Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
